Angel of Grief by Stefano Pizzetti
Malika had a strong work ethic and a devotion to her work that was admirable. So it was no surprise when after the death of her mother on Wednesday, she was back to work the next Monday. Malika’s mother had been ill for some time with lung cancer but at age 58 she was young…and Malika felt too young herself to accept her mother’s impending death. When she died, Malika’s workplace was represented by a couple of close co-workers at the visitation and her supervisor at the funeral. “I’m sorry for your loss” Malika’s supervisor told her when Malika returned to work. And that was the last acknowledgement Malika received of the death of her mother at work.
Malika embraced a return to work and hoped it would serve as a welcome distraction from her grief. And it did, at times. At other times she found herself so uncharacteristically distracted that, on some days, she looked back and wondered if she accomplished anything at all. Her co-workers did not mention her loss, possibly because they didn’t know what to say or didn’t want to risk upsetting her while she was at work. 3 months later Malika felt so isolated at work and her grief so raw she became ill and took an extended medical leave. Her grief pre-disposed her to illness and pretending to be okay at work pushed her over the edge.
Three of the most damaging myths about grief that employers may believe are the following:
1. Employees should leave their grief at home
It’s a major error when businesses believe the old myth that employees can and need to leave their pain at home for 8+ hours. There may be a small percentage of people who can compartmentalize their grief during working hours but by and large it’s not that easy for most. Even grieving employees who buy into this myth are shocked when they have a grief “attack” at work. These episodes come unbidden and unanticipated and catch the griever off guard. It could be a certain kind of music playing in the office, or listening to the plans co-workers are making with their parents (or children), for example that remind them they will no longer be making such plans with their own loved one. Or something comes to mind that they want to share and they reach for the phone or pull up their email only to remember that there is no more contacting their loved one in this world. Businesses should anticipate these normal and natural occurrences and let grieving employees know that when they need to, they can take a grief break to allow themselves the time to feel what is overwhelming them so they can pull it together to return to their work. Perhaps it is an vacant office, or restroom or even allowing them to go to their cars or walk around the building that can be offered. This sends an important message to the employee that these normal occurences may be expected and that it’s okay to care for oneself. It’s important to know that it’s not a matter of IF such episodes will occur, but when.
2. A grieving employee will ask for help if they need it.
Employees take their cues from the workplace as to what is acceptable behavior at work. This is also true for grieving employees who may receive the unintended message of “don’t tell” from their employers who are hoping the employee can just get on with work as usual. Employees will frequently try to meet those expectations in a “fake it till you make it” attempt at normalcy. But life is no longer normal, and the old normal will never exist again.
The only way to know what an employee needs to be as effective as they can at work is to ask them. Sometimes businesses believe that an employee will ask for something that they cannot offer and so they fail to ask at all. Asking what accommodations an employee may need, such as coming back part time and gradually working back to full time, or performing some work at home, or working on a special project allows the employee to consider what their real needs are and what will allow them to work towards their former level of productivity. It also sends the message that the employer understands grief at an elementary level, and that expectations will be realistic when one returns to work after losing a loved one to death.
3. If a grieving employee is struggling it will be obvious.
An employee may grieve in a silo, either one that is self imposed based on their own unrealistic expectations of themselves or one imposed by an employer that doesn’t understand the importance of the pre-return to work conversation around needs. The high risk of illness, decrease in motivation, and disenchantment with the workplace in general that such isolation breeds is very real. Many returning employees have immediate needs to arrange for child care or elder care after a loss as well as all the other paperwork and other decisions that must be made after a death. Knowing what these are in advance of the employees return allows all to make a realistic plan to return based on the unique needs of the employee.
Are you interested in training to help your business support grieving employees as they return to work? I can provide training for HR professionals and supervisors that increases the understanding of grief and the needs of grieving people as well as how to have sensitive conversations with employees around their post death needs. Returning grieving employees to previous levels of productivity…perhaps even greater productivity, is possible when needs are understood and met. To inquire about training or consultation around grief at work, please contact me at marsha@marshabarnosky.com or call me at 616-402-8327.
